"President Obama said that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the new jobs he's created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." -Jay Leno
"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." -David Letterman
Colbert's "Guy Fawkers," Teabaggers 2.0, after the flip.
"He's OK now, but during the middle of his show FOX News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah, apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." -Conan O'Brien
"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama. It's called 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama, and after this, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called 'By Mistake.'" -David Letterman
"The White House has approved a new plan to pay -- they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News." -Jay Leno
"Even the Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created 2,000 more Republicans." -Jimmy Fallon
"The government says there is a swine flu vaccine shortage that could last through December. Great. Have you ever noticed that in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. Why don't we pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." -Jay Leno
