"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." -Conan O'Brien
"CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain." -Jimmy Fallon
"First Lady Michelle Obama appears on 'Sesame Street' to celebrate the show's 40th anniversary. It's going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband's dragging his feet on gay marriage." -Conan O'Brien
"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics (organized by Prof. Lawrence Lessig - Bob). Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." -Jimmy Fallon
"Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She's the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She's a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she's the only one in it. It's s solo sex tape. It's the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She's like the Amelia Earhart of the naked." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Chrysler announced it's coming out with a new logo that's going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, 'Toyota.'" -Conan O'Brien
Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." --David Letterman
"Well, the publisher was impressed that Sarah Palin finished the book four months ahead of schedule. That's not a big deal. She finished her term as governor 18 months ahead of schedule." --Jay Leno
"This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's been translated in English." --Bill Maher
"The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." --Jimmy Fallon
"That is the name of her book, 'Going Rogue.' And she got a million dollars for that and she is work on the sequel, 'Going Shopping.'" -David Letterman
"The cover of Sarah Palin's book has been released. And it features a picture of Palin gazing off into the distance deep in thought. The photographer said that capturing that one moment was the rewarding 11 hours of his career." --Conan O'Brien
"People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
