"I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." -Jay Leno
"President Obama ordered 30,000 more troops in Afghanistan to fight the Taliban, but on an 18-month timetable. In a related story, the Taliban announced they are on a 19-month timetable." -Jay Leno
"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." -Craig Ferguson
"New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real." -Jay Leno
"President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security." -Jay Leno
"The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House." -Jay Leno
"There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother." -Conan O'Brien
"I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin." -Jay Leno
"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." -Jay Leno
"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." -Jimmy Kimmel
Don't miss SNL's "Sarahpocalypse" at about 1.20 into the clip after the flip. You have been warned.
