"Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown." -Seth Meyers
"Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." -David Letterman
"But I mean honestly, you can't blame the Salahis for going where they're not invited. I mean, isn't that our foreign policy?" -David Letterman
"The Salahis -- now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they're going to be subpoenaed now by the House Homeland Security committee, and I'm thinking why bother? They'd probably show up anyway." -David Letterman
"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." -Seth Meyers
Stephen Colbert on the "GOP Purity Test," which defines 10 bedrock Republican principles: "They're like the Ten Commandments, if one of the tablets said 'F' and the other said 'U.' I believe this is perfect. A party of white Christian men who call Obama a Nazi, pushing the concept of purity."
"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. Thus proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." -Conan O'Brien
"In Iowa, a large group of people stood outside a Sarah Palin book-signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The group is known as the Iowa Democratic Party." -Conan O'Brien
"And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, 'socialism.'" -Jay Leno
Kurtzman also pulled together the 10 best political Simpson's chalkboard lines this week. Click here to see them all.
