"And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next 'Bachelor.'" -Jay Leno
"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades." -David Letterman
"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." -Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget
9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One
3. Don't tell him, it's a surprise, but McCain's getting a new Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
1. The naked centerfold of Sen.-elect Scott Brown
