Biden at Radio and TV Correspondent's Dinner via Kurtzman:
On the recovery act: "Republicans keep saying it hasn't created a single job. Well, tell that to Senator Scott Brown."
On Liz Cheney: "I understand Liz Cheney is in the house... Liz has been on a tear lately. Now, she's questioning if Tom Brady is a real Patriot."
On the broadcast media: "I admire the skills required to be an anchor, a commentator, a talking head. I think you've got a pretty tough job. But occasionally I'm surprised by your lack of self awareness -- for example, when Dick Morris is quick to point out every time I put my foot in my mouth. Well, Dick, at least it's MY foot." (Morris was once embroiled in a toe-sucking sex scandal with a prostitute.)
On his diplomatic dispute with Israel over the construction of new housing in East Jerusalem: "I just got back from five days in the Middle East. I love to travel, but it's great to be back in a place where a boom in housing construction is actually a good thing."
Daniel Kurtzman:
"Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama's health care bill. It's going to be a close vote. The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight." -David Letterman
"President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"You guys see the 'GQ' pictures of John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them 'repulsive', and says she trusted 'GQ''s photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I'm on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, 'This is gonna look classy.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. And I said, 'Hey, welcome to the club.' ... I said to myself, 'Well hey, maybe I am presidential material.' ... But in all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney." -David Letterman
On health care:
"The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." -Jimmy Fallon
"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." -Jay Leno
"Actually, to win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." -Jay Leno
"Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page health care reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96% of Americans. The other 4% would be given bus tickets to Canada." -Jay Leno
"Well, here's some news. President Obama's healthcare plan passed the Senate Finance Committee this afternoon. Republicans are disappointed because they had their own version of the health plan. That was going to be swine flu masks and Purell." --David Letterman
"Today one of President Obama's advisers called Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled the president, 'a pimple on the ass of progress.' That's true. Yeah, then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered under Obama's health care plan." --Conan O'Brien |
