"The whole cast of 'Slumdog Millionaire' came out to see the Oscars. 'Slumdog' won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They're saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, Obama's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher
"George W. Bush is doing pretty well for a retiree. Our former president will hit the lecture circuit next month for a reported $150,000 per speech. It's $150,000 for the speech and an extra 25 grand if you want to throw shoes at him. $150,000 seems like a lot to pay to hear someone who can't speak give a speech." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I say Bobby Jindal's speech was a homerun. Jimmy, let's look at the rest of the highlights. Oh, there are none? Okay. All right, well, then, folks, I guess I am forced to talk about the Democratic pre-sponse. No, I didn't hear any of it. I mute all of Obama's speeches, because I like to hear myself yell." --Stephen Colbert
"Jindal's task was not an easy one. You see, with Barack Obama making a compelling case for an active federal government, Jindal had to tell America why he thought that was a lousy idea [on screen: Jindal bringing up Hurricane Katrina as a reason not to trust more government involvement]. So, because the Republican administration screwed the pooch, a Democratic administration shouldn't even try? What other lessons did Katrina teach you? [on screen: Jindal going after money allocated for use in volcano monitoring]. So, your other lesson from Katrina is, what good could possibly come from monitoring for potential natural disasters? Who cares about lava? It's like a levee overtopping -- it'll never happen!" --Jon Stewart
